I think this has been my permanent state for most of the last 5 years, possibly longer, and must have been because of John being so ill and fragile.. The last year has been particularly bad, as he lost his hearing and much of the use of his hands after the chemo and radiotherapy...
I wonder if we will look back in the future and wonder why so many people were poisoned so badly in the attempt to rebalance a disordered system, as cancer is a disorder of the growth of cells, not so much a disease as a broken mechanism..
Anyway, I have been thinking about a new Word for 2020, and have decided on Renaissance (thanks Derek, for the suggestion). Yes, hard to spell, well, work on it, sweetie. It sums up my wishes so well. I want to remake, renew, revitalise, and review everything I do, in a constructive and upward-spiralling manner, and to re-examine my work with the parts of my life that have disappeared somewhat. I have been mourning my lovely man since May, and I think I'm almost done. He would not have wanted me to cry and mope, and I will not. I need to re-find my qigong, my bicycle, and my health and strength.
I do get upset, sometimes people are too nice, (that's pretty hard to take) - today we had a lovely Christmas meeting of the Teapot Quilters - I founded this group and have passed it on this year to HB, and she's doing a great job. We moved it to the cafe at The Raveningham Centre, and it has expanded and renewed itself really well, with a core of good-hearted people and a few nice newcomers. The food (a pick-up lunch) was fantastic. I made a big bread-and-butter pudding from John's leftover bread in the freezer (I'm not much inclined to bread these days, too many carbs) with apples and sultanas and not-much-sugar, and it was delicious...
And sometimes so self-seeking
At the very end of the day the unpleasant man from the next-door business came in and picked a fight with me. I told him to F off, and he snidely said "I was very fond of John" - well, not enough to ask after him when he wasn't apparent for 8 weeks, or to say sorry that he was gone, or any of those things, just a nasty sulky little chucklefuck of the worst self-interested kind.. And this upset me in a way that is unacceptable and a waste of my energy, and I'm going to tell him that John thought he was a nasty little waste-of-space and a ruinous mistreater-of-tools (a cardinal sin in John's eyes).. I'm going to wait until lots of people are listening, though... Revenge, dish cold, etc..
Anyway, now I have to shower, move yet more stuff around upstairs fairly quietly (my neighbour goes to bed early) and sit in front of the fire with a mindless programme or two and a cup of tea.
And some dark chocolate, I think
And then sleep in our big bed one more time, before I make a little one for myself...
